FF : Facing Fears

Few months ago, my little cousin uploads a picture of Disney Princess to our family’s Blackberry Messengers Group (BBM group). She ask us about which Disney Princesses we like. No one answers her, mostly because the members of the BBM group were mostly aunts and uncles, so probably no one actually knows nor interested on Disney Princesses. So somehow we all completely forget about it.

Until just recently, I was wandering around Cameron Highlands, Malaysia. Adoring beautiful sceneries while sometimes contemplating about my life, my past and my fears. Then suddenly I felt a ‘click!’ on my mind. I suddenly remember about Mulan the 8th Disney Princess.

Fa Mulan / Hua Mulan  is an ancient China legendary figure who was described in a Chinese poem “the Ballad of Mulan”.  Her story was adapted into a Disney animation movie on 1998 and 2004.

Then, what’s the connection between Mulan, and me facing my fears?

Even Mulan was registered as one of the Disney Princess. She was actually not a princess herself, nor married to any kind of prince, in both original poem and Disney adaptation. In fact, she came from a regular family, with no noble status nor wealthy background. I felt a strong similarity between her and me.

In the Disney version, Mulan was the only daughter; she’s so carefree, witty, blunt when speaks her mind, in short, act really differently from what the society expect from a typical Chinese girl her age. She then rejected by the matchmaker, labeled as an ultimate disgrace to the family.  But her fate changed when she take most courageous decision ever. She takes his elderly father place in battlefield.

While she was a big loser at first, with the help of her witty, creative and unpredictable companion, ‘Mushu the mini dragon’ and ‘Cricket’, plus enormous amount of hard work, she became the best among her comrades.

I kinda think my condition is modern day Mulan, although my parents was not that old and there’s no way they matchmake me with anyone. I do have to come to the “battlefield” which in my case was less dangerous because its simply a decent job. And even if my families never really force me to do that I do feel the urge to assume the responsibility just as Mulan did.

The reason is simple, first, I’m the only child in my Family (my big bro deceased before I was born) so if I somehow turn to be a failure I have no other sibling as a spare.  Second, because I was the only child most people thought I was spoiled, which is true at some extent, BUT! Do you ever think that as the only child I have to be more independent than others with siblings? I have to learn more about dealing with friends, how to maintain a good relationship, etc.

I actually grown up to be someone which is in some people opinion was stone-headed, because I have to be firm on my principles but at the same time really flexible as my friend know that if they need sudden help, they could always ask me to help. I turn up to be weird, to be unique, which is a fact that I constantly trying to accept.

So when I do speaks about my fears, it was not fear about some sillies animal (rats lizard, cockroach) that normal girl afraid of nor it was fear toward scary-and-kinda-very-demanding-workaholic-future-boss.

But my fear is about what if I never go the chance to proof myself? What if I give up easily instead of working hard and succeeded later on? What if I never use my potential fully? What if my older self, blaming my younger self for not trying hard enough? And at the end of the day God will asks me “Winnie, why are you didn’t use the time I give you wisely?”

And also, there’s a quote that describe one of my fear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

– Marriane Williamson


(if you wish to read the comic version click this link, really cool comics by Gavin Aung Than, one of my favorite comic artist)


Anyway, back to Mulan story, if my live was a Mulan story, In which part of Mulan story is my current condition is? I personally thought it was any point after the reflection songs. (see below or click link, I don’t own the video, ilustration purposes only)

And before the “make a man out of you” song. (see below or click link, I don’t own the video, ilustration purposes only)

See? But anyhow finding Mulan as my role model was actually one of my liberation point. I don’t think my fear really clouded my view as it was before. Finally I started to find my own self again. This girl who wish to see light in every darkness.

Just like Mulan did, I do prayed, not to my ancestor, but to The Mighty God, to help me fight for my life, and I do feel that God sent me guardian angels too. My witty and unpredictable Cousin A, could be my “Mushu”, and my ducil the little sheep doll, although its not a real living thing like ‘Cricket’, has already inspire me to stay feeling lucky.

Life feels beter, since I try to see light in every darkness, the world doesn’t change much, but my views did, and that changes my world. Suppress and rationalize my fears, deal with it, befriended it. Now back on track. Trying to gets up once again.

(illustration by Alex Noriega, check his site for more, borrowed for illustration purposes only)

I’m currently applying for some jobs, some are through my acquaintances. Really hope that my luck is really coming back this time.  Really hope I got accepted somehow. But also prepared for any answer, rejection or acceptance, I wish that God keep me strong, let me accept it gracefully.

As there’s light in every darkness. There’s a hope in every bad news isn’t it? Do you agree with me?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>